Tag Archive for ‘asperger’

Thank You

Thank You

2020. I think many of us can agree that this was a shitty year. For me Corona was “only” a good beer from Mexico before. Covid-19 is accurate name of this little bastard turning our lifes upside down. This has not been the biggest thing impacting my life.

My youngest son died in August only twenty years old. His death was not entirely unexpected suffering for many years with mental ilness. At the age of eighteen he was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. A type of autism. He was also on the wait list to see if he also suffered a Bipolar disorder. I will not go in to deep here as I don’t have the strenght yet.

My son fishing.

I have always taken lots of pictures, mainly with my mobilephone. I also like to tell stories. I used to read to my two sons in the evenings. When we didn’t have anything to read I just made up the stories with their input. A book is lingering in my messy brain waiting to be written so to practise my writing my son suggested me to start a blog. Here I could also share some of my pictures.

This has been a lifeline after my sons passing. With this post I’d like to thank everybody that follows my blog, clicks the like button, signing up to subscribe and comments. You have really helped me stay sane during this fall. THANK YOU!

I know greif will never pass and the pain will always be there but you learn to live with it. I hope 2021 will be a great year for all of us and that Corona will just be a beer again. So cheers and Gott Nytt År!

This is one of my favourite pictures 2020. The colors and the mysterious light. Taken with my mobile phone.

To my brother

To my brother

By Ulf Kalkyl

I knew I wanted to make a speech at my brothers funeral. Much for my own sake, but also for my brother. It has been an impossible task to find the right words. I want to tell you everything, without having to say anything. It is hard to find a way forward in my own sorrow and loss. I want to say farewell without saying, god bye.

The strangest things catch your attention when you mourn. I got stuck in the grammar of sorrow. When someone passes away many tenses can no longer be used. Most obvious is tense for now, present tense. My brother will never again play his grand piano, code on his computer or drive his boat. We are left with past tense, preteritum. My brother was a fantastic musician, he could dance, he welded this and that.

When a young person passes away, tense of the forthcoming is used more, future tense. More accurately we use futurum preterit and futurum preterit exaktum. These two describes a possible future that never came to be. My brother would be an engineer, he would be a cantor, he would live many more years.

But I refuse to give in to the grammar of sorrow. You can speak of my brother in present tense. He is and remains my brother. Nothing in the whole world can break that bond. My brother is important and irreplaceable to me. I have only one brother, the finest brother a sibling can have. I am infinitely proud to call you my brother.

I’m proud over how he manged to graduate High School, get his drivers licence and get accepted in his dreams University, Chalmers. I’m proud over how he excelled in everything he did. From coding a compiler to replacing a catalyst converter. I’m proud in how he managed to excel me in most things.

My brother was never much for the meaningless. Grammar definitely falls into that category. But there is no point in drowning in “What if’s”. When I look ahead it is with all my brother is, and was that I carry with me. I carry with me what a fantastic, multifaceted, Renaissance man my brother was. I carry with me all his music, his puns and moments we spent together as brothers. I carry all the memories.

My brother, you are for ever my baby brother and I am forever you big brother. I love you, I miss you.

Ulf Kalkyl is a pseudonym of my oldest son. He held this speech at my youngest sons funeral. Ulf Kalkyl studies at University of Göteborg to become a High School teacher in Swedish and History.

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A Car

A Car

One of my guiding stars for life is that you should learn something new every day or else the day has been wasted. So far in my life as a man in my prime age I have not yet wasted a day! One day my son and I realized we, or really me, are not very skilled in mechanics other than theoretically so we decided we need more practical experience. We started to browse the net for a “do it yourself car”. Budget was set to €1000 and soon we found it. A black Volkswagen Golf with 31000 kilometres on the display, a small car that does not use too much gas. After a short test drive and some bargaining we bought it for €700.

We soon realized that there was a large hole in the exhaust silencer and we hoped that is was not the first part with the catalyzer, it was! If you are not a garage owner and can lift up the car but are forced to rely on a jack and trestles you soon find out it is very tight under the car. Over one and half tonnes of car just 5 centimetres over your head makes you humble. We had very little clue on what to do so we had to go to YouTube for advise. Being a German built car the best instructions was in German, a language I struggle with a bit more than English. Thank you for the invention of video. We only had to use the angle grinder once but there was more use of the swearwords I must admit. No I will not teach you any Swedish swearwords here but leave a comment if you think I should write a piece on Swedish swearwords. To add more to this ordeal I had injured my back trying to salvage floating bridge that went A-wall in one of the winter storms. Stay tuned for that future blog.

Please note the extra safety measures in the left side of the picture.

Now the car was silent and driving it we soon realized it had a mind of its own, a soul or a ghost!? The door locks are really amusing. Most of the time the central locks works fine and locks all five doors but many times it only locks the drivers door. Drivers door is also the only keyhole that works with the only available key. Then you unlock and to try again to lock all doors except the drivers door locks, so you lock the drivers door and as you start to move away from the car all doors unlocks with a loud click. So you try again and the same thing all over again. Now we try to get in the car and start it up, get out and lock. Success! Okay, sort of. When you come out of the store you find that everything is unlocked except the drivers door. We are fortunate to live in a rural area with not much crime or car thefts. Put the key in the keyhole and everything locks. Finally you get in the car to drive away when the door locks only to unlock after a kilometre. A car with that much personality must have a name so he is now named Mulle Meck!

Wheels and tires are new!

One of the previous owners spent lots of money to put in a high quality stereo of the well known brand Denver. Listening to the radio is very interesting as is changes station randomly. Luckily we live in thinly populated area so there are not very many stations to tune in to but Denver tries them all six. There are four public service stations in Sweden and we can also, if the weather is good tune in to two local commercial stations. Public service station one offers news, debate and politics. The station two offers classical music and Denver seems to like this the most. I do not know if it is the same in other countries but the radio hosts presenting classical music has a very special tone. After the very bombastic symphony the host comes in in a very low monotonous voice explaining “this was the third symphony, second set and forth to fifteenth line in B-flat of Wolfgang Amendment Mollberg played by the philharmonic orchestra in Worchester-upon-a-hill conducted by Someone Somewonsky”. After that Denver quickly changes over to one of the commercial stations where a female singer is wailing away with just electronic drums as a backup. After a few minutes we realize that it is now a commercial for a local shopping mall.

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When we start the car, it starts real easy, it makes a squeaky noise like it is saying “why did you wake me up?” “I am tired and old, just let me stand here in the parking lot and rust away”! You need to be very tender with it driving as the clutch has a very, I mean a very, short span from neutral to drive. If you need to start in a small slope you start to sweat as soon as you realize that will be the case. To find the pull position you need to work with surgical precision, for all you brain surgeons out there saying it is difficult wait until you try this clutch. I guess we need to change the clutch and that blog post will probably be liked by all motor heads if we succeed. Hope you enjoyed this true story, like and subscribe.

Sheep

Sheep

So today the story of why sheep has a very special place in my heart and this is not a cheap story.

I have always told stories from early childhood. In the school yard, already from first grade, I told stories for my friends mostly because I was not very good at football, what the Americans call soccer, in fact quite lousy. I would make up stories about places we talked about during class even if I never sat my foot there or the strange man living alone in that old farm outside the city. This went on even as I was growing older and even as I did military service I sat there making up stories around the tent stove. I met my wife and we got two kids, two lovely boys with less than two years apart. Even before they were born I started to sing, rhyme and tell stories for them and when they were born and a bit older I use to involve them in the creation of the stories. Many of those stories were rhyme and we also love to read books with rhyme.

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When my sons were ten and twelve we went on holiday to the lovely island Gotland. It is a rock in the Baltic Sea made of lime stone and there is an amazing cave Lummelunda we went to. My wife always finds the souvenir shop as the highlight of everything we visits and could spend all her time there. She was pushing the guys to buy a small bowl, probably made in China, with the text Lummelunda Grottan to remember the visit but the youngest refused and pointed on soft toy at the back shelf. It was a twenty centimetres long, ten centimetres wide and ten centimetres high cuddle sheep! He immediately named it Ulle and hugged him intensively for the rest of that trip (in Swedish Ull means Wool). In Visby Ulle got a friend half the size but looking exactly the same after some protesting from my wallet. It was decided to be a she so she got the name Ulla. On the ferry to the mainland another cuddly soft toys even smaller was added to the collection with the name Junior.

Francis, Junior, Ulla and Ulle

Ulle and his little “family” fast became the center of the story telling. With a deep voice, same depth as Chef in South Park, he began to tell about his adventures around the world. For all the adventures he has experienced he must be at least 250 years old. Ulle likes to eat socks and has built in socks sorting machine that sounds chew, chew, chew. He farts a lot specially when eating socks or lying. He always tries to find excuses to go to the sock drawer. He is also the only sheep in the world that can fly! He does that by farting and since flying is dangerous should he run out of air in column he has mastered the ability to fart inwards. Ulla his wife often wonders why more comes out than goes in. Ulles predilection to rod or fart often puts him in difficult situations where he looses a prestigious job. Like the time he was a mascot for a football team and eat the visiting teams socks. Something happens in Ulles inside when he eats socks so ha began to fart so much that the players on both teams start to pass out. The referee gave him a red card, big mistake! Ulle rod him in the rear together with the side referee so they flew up in the audience that now also started to pass out. So he was fired! He also held a job with a well known president but that is another story and since I am on Twitter I dare not write it down.

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Soon all soft toys sheep started to develop a personality along with the stories and the number of sheep increased as a sheep was bought on every travel we made. The rule was if you held it you must buy it. My son named them all. Ulla soon developed a personality to match Ulle but with a very high pitch voice. Her self esteem is very, very solid in fact she is the best of the best! Every day she explains the scientific proof of the fact that she is the best. She asks if she is cuddly and yes this is true and then she asks if she is the cuddliest and you cannot deny this. That means that she is the best of being cuddly, right. Cannot deny this so that must mean that she is the best! Logical proof! Baa! Ulla is the leader of the quite large pack keeping the rest in order with her high pitched voice. There are many common features between Ulla and my wife but that must be a coincidence! Ulla has a soft spot for long underwear and has a factory at Svalbard where she is convinced there are polar sheep. She is a hard business woman, Ewe, driving the factory with student lamb coming to see the production.

Ulla leading the choir with strong discipline.

Even today as my son is twenty years old the sheep play an important part of our daily life. All parents I think feel that their children are special and so did we even if the youngest was very special the entire childhood. It was when he was in high school we realized that he was really special, he was diagnosed with Autism spectrum or Asperger’s syndrome. This means he is extremely intelligent and high functioning in some areas while he struggles in other more basic areas and especially with social interactions. I realized that the stories and personalities the sheep develop was a way for us to communicate and for him to handle his emotions. We very rarely hug without the sheep between us. He is easily stressed and then he can say Ulle does not feel very well. As a high functioning autistic he struggled in high school where the teachers often choose to disregard his special needs especially in language classes where you need to express feelings and thoughts, in Sweden we learn also English and a third language, German, Spanish or French. Straight A:s in all logical subjects but often failing in the humanistic subjects drove him into a deep depression. We still struggle with this but the sheep is there to support.

On a small island in the fjord there are some sheep that likes to run away and is therefore put on this island. We call it the sheep Alcatraz. This island is our special place and when the sheep hear the sound of our boat approaching they come running to see if we have any candy for them. I will share some pictures of them with you and if you think someone could enjoy or benefit from this text please share. Like, subscribe and comment!