Waiting for the playful spring winds
sail away to the soft thawing soil
kissed by the innocent April sun
sprout out tall bright and green
eaten by a hungry cow, shit!
Green, green grass of home, ha de Gött!
I have a cold, and all men out there know what I’m talking about!.
My wife just giggles and mumbles something about giving birth. But let me explain how it feels.
The brain suddenly feels three sizes too big. However a jolly gang of workers banging away with sledgehammers, pickaxes and shovels to reduce the size. They move around the head with a big old Steam Train going cathunk, cathunk. The train blows the whistle on every lap around the head stopping with screaming breaks at the station between the eyes.
The foreman realizes that the brain size is not reducing fast enough so he decide to use dynamite and C4! They all cheer loudly after the explosion and, since it was a good blast they do it again, and again!
The throat feels like a dessert but my nose is working hard to build up a flood to wet it. Unfortunately this flood clogs and block any attempts to get air though the nostrils. I’m gasping for air through the mouth with the result of sand dunes start to form in the pharynx.
The water missing from my throat has now started to come out of the biggest organ in the body, the skin, rivers and rivers of sweat. Trying to speak only to realize that the sand in my mouth now have turned into glue.
I try to get out of the bed but the guys working in the muscles has been called to the brain shrinking task force. Resulting in me crawling on all four like a baby to get to the bathroom. Every step, if you can call crawling that, feels like I’m a pincushion.
After slipping around the bathroom floor I manage to find my way back to the bed. Without getting lost in the closet. Only find myself in front of Mount Everest.
Trying to climb back into bed makes all the muscle guys go to their Union rep and complain. As they go on strike I fall asleep on the floor dreaming of demonstrations and rioting. Now the left and right side of the brain decides to start a civil war firing artillery at each other.
After what feels like forever I recover and the merry men in my head finally managed to reduce my brain size to fit the thick skull. The muscle guys however demands vacation due to the overtime. I stumble out to the kitchen just to find the To Do List from the wife!
Stay warm, ha de Gött!
Which witch thought the toughest thought. With her wand cast a spell over the writer so he could no longer spell. Did he steal the steel! Some words are just to alike. Sounds alike but spells differently. A challenge for school kids and foreigners.
Yesterday I accidentally accused Götaverken for criminal activities. Of coarse they did not steal constructions, the made STEEL constructions. Ships, bridges and lock gates. They went out of business 2015 but I hope no former employee was offended. My father was actually one of them in the 1970:ties.
Sometimes I wonder if there is an academy of sorcerers and witches sitting there in a dark chamber deciding spelling and spells. Can you hear the laughter when they decide how to spell wit and with. How they choke for air and slapping themselves on their knees when someone throws in whit also. What a marvelous stew in the kettle of books!
Of and away with, wit, whit my broom, he he he he, ha de Gött!
What if there were no name to places? All positioning was mathematically. Where do you live? Oh, I live at N58°, E11°.
Would all territorial wars end? Or would we just fight over squares.
What language would be? Or would we only communicate mathematically like computers. In ones and zeros, or hexadecimals.
How about our names? Just a series of numbers, date of birth and a serial number like our social security number. “Happy birthday dear 20210710-0001”.
If we only worked with numbers would all scores be settled?
Did you meet all your numbers? Yes, we had a large family dinner.
Marriage an addition, divorce a subtraction. Making children, multiplying. Would then giving birth be a division?
Genealogy just a matrix.
Sometimes my thoughts don’t add up, ha de Gött!
For home decoration went to IKEA thinking, what a splendid idea Took the escalator to the maze furniture, furniture like a haze Stumbled down the stairs families and in love pairs Grab a four wheel trolley isle after isle, what a folly Package after package all flat collecting it all like a rat Full car, what have I done my little wife is all gone Put me in a dire spot forgot her at the parking lot
In case you wonder IKEA stands for Ingmar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnaryd after the founder’s name and birth place in Sweden. Ha de Gött!
In times you are distant and cold. Just stands there like a black orb. Then I open you up. Light you up, turn you on. Set you on fire. Get you flaming hot. Your passion burn my eyes. My skin.
I inhale your every scent. Your flaming smoking hot gases. Gently place the flesh to your burn. It frizzles as it meets your glowing bars. Together we spice things up. Feeding my desire. I love you my little Barbie Que.
Inspired by John Malone and my Aussie friends who has the cute nickname, Barbie for this fantastic cooking device. The grill. Ha de Gött!
Crazy old Ram McMutton Built an empire out of cotton Was a bit of a fool Better to set up in wool In despair began to weep Lost his flock, the sheep Went to competitor mr Wolf Now graze on meadows for golf Managed by a speckled beagle Clear from people hitting an eagle His wife, the lovely Ewe Stops this poem now, leave
Was not sure if I should press Publish or Delete but I guess I’m fearless today. Ha de Gött!
Yesterday I turned 55. Can’t turn the numbers around to sound younger anymore. Next time I can do that in five years when I turn six!? That would be fun to start acting like a six year old.
Some say, old people most, that age is just a number. In a way I can relate to that as I still wonder when I will grow up. But the hard reality is that, even if thew mind is young, the body starts to degrade. Even if you exercise much. Spend time climbing and walking in nature. You can feel how it gets harder to climb that hill or make that jump over a gorge.
Also your mind slows down and it is harder to learn new things. Like what emojis to use without offending anyone, or even find them. In most cases one can compensate with experience but in a faster and faster changing world it is getting harder. The brain needs practice to stay healthy, same as muscles so I always challenge myself to learn new things. In fact my motto is; “If you didn’t learn anything today, it was a wasted day” (sounds better in Swedish). I have not yet lived a day without learning something new.
Another annoying thing of getting older is hair. It leaves your head only to start growing in other awkward places. Your nose, ears, eyebrows and, I think I stop there. It is like the Elvis recording from Las Vegas when he’s laughing through “Are you lonesome tonight” where he sings. “When you gaze at your bald head and wish you had hair”. At least you save some money on shampoo that you can spend on nose clippers.
Another positive thing with age is that it’s okay to be grumpy and complain over modern music. You can sit there feeding the doves and complain over the young people walking by staring down their mobiles. Letting your flatulence go on the bus is more okay the older you get and since your nose is covered with thick hair you won’t smell it yourself.
Live long and prosper. Don’t forget to like, subscribe and comment, I put my glasses on to read them. Ha de Gött!
Are you finished, the waiter asked. He looked up with a surprised expression. No, I’m Swedish, he said. The waitress frowned and looked at him like he was a UFO. Turned on her heals, slapped the cloth, and walked away with a grunt. He looked at his dinner date with a face like a question mark. Why did she ask if I’m from Finland, he asked. His dinner date started to laugh. In fact she laugh so loud and intense that the whole restaurant stopped eating and stared at her.
Now people started to feel a bit uncomfortable and he just wanted to sink through the floor. Finally his native English speaking date calm down and could explain the misunderstanding. She signed to the waitress. Also she giggled when the language mistake was cleared and she could clean of the table. With a big smile she asked if they would like some Danish for desert.
Have you any fun story to share when you tried to overcome the language barrier? Please comment, like and subscribe. Ha de Gött!
UlleHaddock 